i have been thinking about church.
even typing the words can cause me to break into a cold sweat.
there is a story here.
and they are coming.
i can feel them.
today i finished reading Mandy's new book
"Thrashing About With God- Finding Faith on the Other Side of Everything"
that arrived in my mailbox yesterday
(one of the gift of an unexpected day off is time to read)
"But I don't want to go back. Not ever. It's broken there.
"It feels broken here sometimes too" God said to me, touching my chest.
"But you don't let that stop you."
My ego doesn't want to go back. My ego thinks going back means I've let them win."
and my heart thumped with recognition.
i hear myself in her story over and over again.
i am in the baby steps of accepting that after 13 long years that
it is time to talk this out.