he has said it before and i don't think i listened.
"make yourself into a project. you love projects"
despite the love i have for such endeavors,
i have found myself still resisting
wanting to meet myself
and my self care
at an angle,
sideways, not head on.
i wish i could tell you,
why i am so resistant to putting physical wellness in the center of my life.
i search through my stories,
looking for clues and of course i find them-
the pieces are all there
and i understand and i "do the work"
because i am a friend of the emotional and mental work of wellness
i make baby steps
and there are moments of wisdom and breakthru
but i don't really do anything in the physical realm
(other than take my medicine)
(which is actually a huge break thru for me)
until the cycle repeats
and i find myself
once again buried beneath the rest of my life.
does this happen to you as well?
i am in love with my life.
that's an important truth that i want to shout from the rooftop.
i have returned to a schedule that i have carefully chosen
and fully participated in the making of.
i work because i choose to, want to, love to
i am doing my schooling because it is important to me.
i participate fully with my family
and consider each of those moments,
( regardless of how intense and weary,
how late the nights, how long the walk)
we share to be a gift.
i forget about myself.
the physical part of myself.
i avoid the reality that i am brand new into a remission
that may or may not stay with me.
i need a plan.
i need to be a project.
i want to figure this out.
seeing the truth of the situation is freeing.
saying that i struggle with wellness allows for acceptance and grace.
now i move onward.
project strong tania
i shall call it.
i see a new journal in my future
and maybe some running shoes