questions

 

it is a season of questioning for me.

questions that often have no answer,

need no answer. 

and that's the gift.

not needing answers like i once did.

being at peace with uncertainty.

trusting the process, more than the end result.

i started out wanting answers of course.

 concise boxes to place around my queries,

logical, reasonable responses

to illogical, "don't ask questions such as those" questions.

i felt worried for a while about what was rumbling through my head,

the unwavering, pull no punches questions around

faith, parenting, commitment, ambition, dream following, health, unanswered prayers, the ways of dogma, big world questions, and tiny in my own backyard quandaries. 

well,

almost everything has become a question at some point recently.

i felt a sense of betrayal to my past, to my supposed future, to my present

and i had moments where i would look to the sky and actually expect god to smote me,

or i would wait for something really, really "bad" to happen as a result of,

what felt a little, some-days a lot like,

betrayal.

of course,

that didn't happen and won't happen 

and i ask all sorts of questions now with increasing freedom and bravery.

very few of them find answers,

 but some do,

and i record it all in my journal,

because my head is leaky

 and i want to be able to look back at the time of questioning 

and gently laugh at myself or marvel at myself

or both.