ps...

 

 

yesterday,

i forgot to thank you for a few other things as well..

 

i think that i see colours more vibrantly

than i did before

 

and i notice the comfort of soft blankets and hot baths and the

warm grip of a mug of tea

 with an almost

 first love affection.

 

thank you for that.

 

i do wonder

 however

 why it is that whenever

i speak kindly of you,

 or to you,

(because sometimes i do talk to you, trying to soothe your torment)

well,

that conversation always seems to be followed by an

extreme testing of whether or not i was telling the truth

in what i said

(and i am...there isn't much room for lying here in this battle we are in)

 

since yesterday's post

i am in the midst of a most vicious flare

that just won't leave me alone.

and

 i woke up this morning with an absolute

unshakable sense of

loneliness.

you know the kind,

the loneliness that tricks you into thinking that nobody actually understands you

(or even cares)

 

it doesn't matter that this loneliness is not true

because for today my emotions have convinced me that it is.

and i struggle to breathe through the physical and emotional pain

that threatens to swallow me whole unless i keep my guard up.

 

and that

 dear illness

is something that i will not thank you for.

i will not thank you for the emotional roller coaster

chronic, constant, life sucking pain tries strap you into.

 

i don't even ride roller coasters in real life

and i have no interest in the mental one that i am currently on.

so,

 

i continue to say

thank you for the colour tweaking

and the truly remarkable life changing work that you are doing

 

but please

be gentle with me today.

and tomorrow-

i need a break from you.