Sunday, July 31, 2011

connections...


i am husbandless this long weekend-
  owen is in Uculet salmon fishing
with a friend...
and i am noticing his absence.
in a good way.
i adore my husband and we are pretty much joined at the hip 
other than during work hours
and my life is very closly bound together
with my role as wife and mother.
hmmm...the word "role" worries me...
it doesn't sound like how i feel...
the joy, the privilidge, the responsibility, the choice
(hopefully you know what i mean)
and this leaves me with very little time or energy or
more honestly,
desire to broaden my connections.
it seems that each year, each month even
i become more of an introvert -
and i wonder if that is truly who i am
or if i am short changing myself by keeping to myself.
 i need to remember that while the internet can satisfy my need to immerse myself
in visual eye-candy, inspiring blogs and wonderful projects and ideas
those temporal experiences
are not anything more than that -
temporary.
building strong connections with a few choice people,
making my own experiences and art
taking time for tea
and actually being in the presence of another kindred spirit
is a connection that is lasting.
tonight i am spending time with an old friend
(20+ years...we haven't been in touch for forever)
and last night i sat on a bench
and connected with a friend and former co-worker
tomorrow i will be surrounded by my family again
and owen returns home.
the connecting i have done while he has been away
will allow me to have stories and experiences to share with him -
and he with me
and our connection will deepen

(this blog post is a little bit all over the place in what i am trying to say...as always, i just type from the heart and what gets put down, gets put down...i apologize to all of you who prefer a carefully crafted reading experience...it won't be found here)

Saturday, July 30, 2011

life.


"there are two ways to live your life. one is as though nothing
is a miracle.
the other is as though everything is a miracle."

-Albert Einstein-


Friday, July 29, 2011

why do i worry...


why do i fret?
why do i doubt myself and my abilities that i know i possess.
(and for which i am very grateful)
it is curious to me that i am so quick
to call in the doubter that lives in my head
rather than the cheerleader who lives,
well somewhere...
i spend my days in the (mostly) delightful company
of young children
who
have the freedom to live out their days
delighting in the simple pleasures of life
and exploring with great confidence
the new abilities they have.
rarely do i hear "i can't do it..."
and when i do,
it soon becomes a triumphant
"look Tania - I did it myself!"
of course they did.
we are all able to choose to live in that triumphant place
or we can choose to fret and worry and doubt.
i need to work on this.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

tiny gestures...


i am thinking alot about the power of tiny gestures
of consideration and thoughtfulness.
i am trying to practice both
on a daily basis with my family,
my families i work with, my friends and
somedays
with strangers.
it looks like this -
specific, intentional words or actions that i think
will bring encouragement, joy, support or just plain fun
to someone else's day.
tiny gestures are easy becuase they don't allow fo me to get all caught
up in doing so much!
i have struggled in the past with wanting to do it all for everyone
and this past year has been a journey for me
of letting that go.
i am now very content to practice simple acts of kindness
and to accept my limitations.
practically speaking,
i like to plan ahead for these daily moments-
so when i am out i might see something small
that i imagine a specific person might love
and i will pick it up and tuck it away,
or i keep my box of cards and stamps right handy
so it only takes a few minutes to write a card.
facebook has its issues but it also is an easy way to stay connected
quickly and frequently with those i love.
little love notes on stickys to my family
or a quick batch of ice cream or cookies goes along way
to filling someone's love tank.
i guess
this is just my little practice of
making myself happy
and it happens to bless others at the same time.


Wednesday, July 27, 2011

this day...


i am grateful for extra hands and hearts
i delight in a warm cup of tea
i was suprised by a welcome visitor at the perfect, they have all just fallen asleep time
i wished for less wind and more sunshine
i anticipate the end of a long week for my dear owen
i savoured a yummy lunch
i feel my children's love for me
i love the warmth of a hand made afghan
i gaze at my beatiful photography magazine just waiting for time to be explored
i successfully finish my last assignment and prepare for my exam
i tidy up the never ending trail of toddler play
i stretch my aching muscles and tell my body that i want to be friends
i miss the people in my heart who live far away
i feel satisfied that my life is making a small differerence somewhere
that is what this day
looks like
to me.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

there are moments...


there are moments when i am so proud.
and there are moments when i shake my head
and wonder.
this is not one of those moments.
this is the i am so proud moment.
the moment when your heart swells a bit
and you sigh a tiny little sigh of relief
that something, anything
you taught and modelled and prayed for and bargained for
and was quite sure was lost forever
comes bubbling to the surface.
i am proud of this girl -
her dignity, her grace, her honesty, her ability to process
her willingness to be honest with herself, her care of others despite her pain,
her understanding of just what she needs
and her thoughtfulness at not dumping all her hurt and anger
at my feet, or on my head or anywhere else for that matter.
she is
making me proud.
and i
am honoured to be her mama.
now- no boys for a while please!!

Monday, July 25, 2011

a broken heart



we are suffering a broken heart in our house
and it is almost as hard
on this mama to watch
as it is for her to heal.
lots of serious girl time this week
and that is a good thing.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

fear.


Many of our fears are tissue-paper-thin,
 and a single courageous step would carry us clear through them.
  ~Brendan Francis

Saturday, July 23, 2011

a joyful weekend looks like this!



and includes -
shopping with Hannah
sleeping in
homemade ice tea
family adventures high up in the trees
sprinklers in the garden
laughter- so much laughter
watching football with Thaddeus and Aaron
anticipaton of time with Owen
making homemade yogurt and almond milk
a clean house
bouquets of flowers from the garden
wearing my new necklace
planning our trip to Ontario
being inspired by the people around me
fresh raspberries
mailing a package to miss vayda

i love the weekend!


Friday, July 22, 2011

wise words from my bubble container..


amazing grace
(the name of the bubbles)

life is a classroom.
we are both student and teacher.
each day is a test.
and each day we receive a passing or failing grade in one particular subject:
grace.
grace is compassion,
gratitude,
surrender,
faith,
 forgiveness, good manners
reverence,
and the list goes on.
it's something money can't buy
and credentials rarely produce.
being the smartest,
the prettiest,
the most talented,
the richest,
or even the poorest can't help.
being a humble person
can.
and being a helpful person
can guide you through
your days
with grace and gratitude.

(how could i not buy such an inspiring bottle of bubble bath?)

Happy Friday

Thursday, July 21, 2011

filling up the empty vessel..


so,
in an attempt to take better care of myself
and to practice self care
i made a list of "items" that make me happy.
i tend to feel happiest in nature-
but there are some material items that can
work wonders to boost my "happiness" meter
so
in no particular order here they are:

being warm
sweet smelling flowers
matching underwear sets
bracelets
curly-curly hair
painted toes
luxurious bubble baths
new magazines
photographs
 glasswear
(as in the drinking out of kind)
vanilla candles
tea
owen wearing gray
mailing letters
socks - attractive and warm!
words


Wednesday, July 20, 2011

beauty and happiness...


i am in love with owen's iphone.
in love with the hipstimatic camera app he downloaded for me.
so in love,
that he has taken to leaving the camera (which is what i call his phone)
with me during the day
so that i can carry it around in my pocket
capturing beauty and happiness.

each image is a little celebration- capturing a moment that will never
come to us again.
almost like a birthday party every single day!
little snipets of people (especially little people)
and their lovely lives and selves!
the photos shout to me -
"hey! i was here and i am beautiful and marvelous and wonderful"

taking these photos helps me to invite beauty and happiness into my life.
it is a simple act of going out and seeking light and beauty
it is everywhere...there is beauty everywhere i look
even in what sometimes appears to not be so wonderful.
a hard moment, a dark corner, a tired face, a dying flower...
look closely and slowly and you will see...
beauty.

and the great thing about this little black box in my pocket is the
instant delight i feel when i see that photo all beautiful and edgy looking back at me.
i can't wait to share one on my blog, or email one to someone or just look at them
in the evening after a very long day
and marvel
marvel at the beauty and happiness that i am surrounded by
in my little life.
(are her fingers not beautiful? and look at how hard she is working!)

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

so...


so if i am going to practice forgiveness
by forgiving others without judgement
or holding back
freely, gracefully and with an open heart
BUT
i am not willing to do that for myself
that seems to be self defeating.
i need to be able to extend the same
grace and love and respect and second chances
to myself
first...
otherwise,
am i truly walking in forgiveness or just talking about it
and making it sound all good to me on the surface.
i need to practice treating myself with the same love and genuine grace
that i extend to others right?
right?
so,
i am going to work very hard at listening to
my wise gentle self rather than my harsh condeming self
and let stuff go!
just let it go...whoosh...off it goes...
forgive
accept the forgiveness
repeat
forgive
accept the forgiveness
repeat
eventually i shall get it!

Monday, July 18, 2011

blessings to you...


may your life be like a
wildflower,
growing freely in the
beauty
and joy of each day

-Native American proverb-

Sunday, July 17, 2011

forgiveness



for some reason today i have been pondering forgiveness.
and i am sure of this...
i am grateful for the power that forgiveness brings to our lives.
it isn't easy and it tends to be complicated
and it can get all emotional messy
and it is much harder to extend forgiveness to myself than to others
and it is very difficult for me to accept the forgiveness of others
however,
despite all the challenges...
i know, that i know, that i know
that forgiveness works.
for me.
it works when i extend forgiveness to others
because there is a freeing up of space in my heart
and my life for all the goodness that is waiting to pour in.
when i forgive others,
i can move forward in my life
becoming and creating and growing.
each time i look back on my life
i see crossroads
where i had the choice to let go- or hold on
and always, always, letting go
no matter how gut wrenching and terrifying it was at the moment
was the right choice.
letting go of others and their choices and actions
the hurt and the betrayals
letting go of the unkind words and thoughts they held towards me
letting go and forgiving
allows me to become one little baby step closer to who i am so excited to become!

Saturday, July 16, 2011

loving right now!


the amazing purple lavender blooming at the Goldstream Ave. Starbucks

a weeks worth of meals in my freezer after a morning of cooking

kim and mike have a candy drawer stocked up for renovation energy!

the amazing green that surrounds us everywhere thanks to all the rain

a quiet afternoon with a magazine

almond milk making

feeling really great about how well my Thursday/Friday went

Hipstimatic camera love

Really, really sticky bandaids that don't fall off easily

My online photo class that I am taking is super fun and fills my inbox with cheerful inspiration

a new gray sweater

Plane tickets to the wedding are paid!

Friday, July 15, 2011

friday.sweet.friday


"At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person.
 Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.”~ Albert Schweitzer ...

on this rainy Friday,
after a long week
i am grateful for you...
each of you who love me and care for me
and hear what my heart is saying
who journey with me
and encourage me
by your amazing lives
to be a better person
than i am today.
thank you
and have a wonderful weekend
celebrating all the gifts we are given!

Thursday, July 14, 2011

checking my balance...

.

when Suzy and i started this blog
alot of my personal focus was on finding a balance in my life
a balance between work and parenting
a balance between work and health
a balance between marriage and parenting
a balance between pretty much everything.
i did some good work
i dedicated my sunday afternoons to art and spending time with a dear friend
owen and i had date nights
the kids and i adjusted to me working at home and what that looks like
(it doesn't look pretty most days truth be told)
and i was learning to manage my health and come to terms with that.
and then something happened
and somehow,
like a stretched out elastic band
i fell out of balance
and snapped back into
extemes.
honestly,
when i am out of balance,
it can be pretty ugly.
i become a martyr
and slightly impatient
and i tend to make a big deal about everything
and
most annoyingly to my family
i start to repeat everything!
as if they can't hear me just because i am freaking out!
so,
i am checking my balance again- looking to see
not so much where i went wrong because there isn't much point
in looking backwards.
but i am trying to figure out how to re establish
some balance
especially in the area of
self- care...
that dreaded word that some of us hate,
some of us love
and some of us are coming to terms with as being life saving.
so-
ideas please?
remember the following:
i work alot so my evenings are short
i can't eat much of anything good so food is depressing
i am exhausted - so exercise is, well, tricky...
i am an introvert (this is new to me)
i sound like i am complaining
but i am not
just being realistic and honest...

waht do you do for self care?

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

heart stretching...

 


i have noticed
that when my heart is stretching to make room
for new relationships and love
that it often hurts -
there is a shifting that is taking place-
i am missing my dear Vayda very much
yet i am also full of love
for the newest little ones in my life
my heart is growing
and healing
and sometimes that can be painful
last night
i shed hot tears as i thought of my sweet little friend
and i marveled
at how in three short years
she has become such a part of my
very heartbeat
and missing her is hard.
i also love
love
that there are new small ones
exploring and toddling around my garden
and their love and acceptance
of me
is filling up my heart spaces-

there is always more room to give love and to receive love
and i love that!


Tuesday, July 12, 2011

grateful thoughts right now!

 


the weather is way nicer than predicted
hannah is so great with the daycare kids
the sweet peas are blooming
my lunch tasted pretty good
water with lemon in abundance
paid!
kisses and hugs are heart filling when genuine and spontaneously given
the sky is beautiful summer blue with white clouds floating by
tonight i am going to drink ice-tea with my sweetie
the rose is blooming magnificantly
there are tomatoes on my tomatoe plant!!
new paintings on the wall make me happy
i slept last night...so thankful!
we are going to make almond milk tonight...i have missed almond milk
i feel good about how today is going

Monday, July 11, 2011

feeling fragile...

 

change is coming
little mr.t hurt himself this morning
it's monday
prednisone doesn't let me sleep
tea just isn't cutting it today
the weather is moody
hannah has a boyfriend
caleb lives all the way across town again
summer is speeding by
i am missing the "old" tania these days
i am feeling fragile.
good thing
i am tough as nails deep down inside!

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Sunday loves...

i discovered this photo project...


and this photo...


and many more, and i just wanted to share the love.

if you have some time look through her projects and be amazed!
there are so many creative, hard working inspiring people in our world- sometimes we forget
i think-
that we can do whatever we dream of doing
and whatever we happen to be doing- we can make it a dream
 by putting our heart
and soul into every moment of our work day.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

simple Saturday

Many things grow in the garden that were never sown there. 
~Thomas Fuller

Friday, July 8, 2011

Listening to Carter

 



this dear boy has the most amazing eyes.
you can't see them in this photo
and a photo doesn't even do them justice.
they are dark and deep and wide
and when he looks at you
deeply
you stop.
you stop whatever you are doing
and gaze back at him
and listen.
listen to the love and the trust and the hope
and the questions and the hurt
and the fear and the confusion
and you hear all of it
without him even saying a word.
this boy doesn't talk much at all
and when he does,
it might be mixed in with a sandcastle building
or a hulahoop twirling
or a stomp-stomp stomping.
he might be whispering love while painting
he might be complaining bitterly while running-
he might be inviting you into his world
while twirling and counting and looking.
he might be asking for reassurance when he buries his head into your belly

i am learning to listen.
Learing to hear the many languages he speaks.
and
it is exhausting and hard and requires a deep level of listening
that doesn't come naturally.
some days it doesn't come easy
and i forget to listen
other days i remember
the lessons i am learning from him
and i hear so much!



Thursday, July 7, 2011

the sweet scents of summer...



peonies
fresh basil
lemon slices in water
rose gardens
citronella candles
campfires
watermelon
freshly mowed grass
bbq steak
herb gardens as you brush your hand on the plants while walking by
oceans

i love summer. what is your favorite summer scent?
you should try and experience it today!

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

storing up treasures


ten years ago,
which seems like just yesterday
but also
a life time ago
there was alot of turmoil going on in my life
and of course,
people had things to say
because it seems that we humans are sometimes
unable to be quiet in the midst of turmoil
so we add comments and advice and accusations
and words of wisdom or whatever else we
feel we should say to make
usually ourselves feel better
 but sometimes the person who is in the middle of the mess as well.

so ten years ago someone had some pretty judgemental things to say to me.
and i listened.
and i carried those words with me
every single day.
they were pretty deeply buried
but there non the less
and would pop up and rear their ugly head
at the strangest times- incovenient times
sad times, lonely times, times of change and courage needing times.
until 2 weekends ago.
when
at a simple chance meeting at a coffee shop
 someone who didn't say those burden heavy words
was able to say different words-
and all the judgement went away.
i actually felt lighter, freer, liberated and so much better!
since then, i am deliberately making an effort
to let go of what is not mine.
to let go of the words and expectations that are put on me-
let go of the guilt i carry
and i am making room
in my heart and life
to store up treasures that are going to be life affirming
rather than guilt producing.

the canning jars in the photo are from a booth at the Saturday Moss St. Market.
i was in blissful hippy land for a wonderful morning
the same day that i had the random coffee shop weight loss experience!
it was a very.very.good day!



Tuesday, July 5, 2011

mango ice-cream and all sorts of grateful thoughts!



yesterday i was miserable and upside down
so i went outside and wrote a gratefulness list-

there is an absolutely perfect yellow rose blooming
the sun is bright and beautiful today
i have healthy children who really love me
my house smells like greilled cheese sandwiches after lunch
my sun tea is the perfect sweetness
there is only one more load of laundry to do
i worte a letter to Vayda today and put stickers on the envelope
i have a friend who is excited that i am making her mango ice-cream
Owen and i are going to get groceries tonight together and all by ourselves
Owen called to see how my day was and patiently listened to my grumbling
today there were 2 little ones instead of 5
bubble water kept M&T occupied for so long
the sky is a most beautiful blue
I am warm today-yay-no sweater
there are fresh peas ready in the garden
chalk is bright and shiny when it gets wet- i love that!
i am writing this list with a purple pen
i bought my watch and love it so much- it is awesome knowing the time
i know my heart will heal and the empty space will fill up soon
there are no wasps in the backyard
popsicles!

the day ended on such a lovely note and today has been peaceful in my heart.
gratitude works!


Monday, July 4, 2011

Trying to find up...


Mondays are often tough for me
they seem to be full of readjustments
and leftover exhaustion from the
weekend,
which often didn't go as planned
as i am usually recovering
and not living the creative
adventure filled life that
i dream of.
but today,
wow!
today was a turn me upside down kinda day
and i am trying
quietly and timidly
to get back up again
there is alot to be grateful for today
right under my nose,
but i am refusing,
in my turned upside down state
to notice and be grateful
as i for some reason instead cling
to my bad day senario
that i am playing.
so here i am
to say
that i am trying to find up.
right now i am going to grab
a pen and paper
and make a list
of all that is good
in my life.
i shall post the list tomorrow
and we
can be amazed at my wonderful life together!