Monday, February 28, 2011

motherhood...

"the mother loves her child most
divinely, not when she surrounds him with comfort
and anticipates his wants,
but when she resolutely hold him to the highest standards
and is content with nothing
less than his best."
Hamilton W. Mabie

i wonder if Hamilton was speaking of his own mother, after he had made it through those turmulous years that seem, at least right now, to last much longer than we ever imagined. i remember when the biggest crisis of the day was, well, negotiating breakfast cereal choices with Gideon, or rescuing him from a tree top, while 7 months pregnant. Thaddeus, we just tried to keep him from falling. He was always falling. My mom thought he should wear a helmet...and of course, you couldn't really understand anything he said, but speech therapy fixed that problem. Hanah, her biggest issue when she was little, was her unwillingness to part with her toothbrush and put on clothes..and Caleb, he just wanted to be one of the adults, always joining in, from a very young age with the adults. Babies, toddlers, young children..they are complex and busy and have more energy than ever...but there is an understanding. mom is mom. mom knows best. mom puts me to bed and i sleep.mom knows i will be there in the morning. i bathe, i change my clothes, i go to sunday school, i eat well, i brush my teeth, i hug and kiss my mom often.i go to her and tell the truth, even if it might get me in trouble.
and then something changes....
i remember the year we went to Mexico together. That was the summer that God spoke to me very clearly, more than once, and I don't claim that often. But I know without a doubt that He told me that I wasn't done yet. Parenting didn't end when they became teenagers. Parenting was still a full time, full throtle, fully invested job. My teenagers needed me to continue to be their parent. Not their friend, not their scapegoat. Not their vending maching. Their parent. I needed to be ready for a whole new experience. And honestly, it's been the hardest yet. I love my kids so much. I recognize their amazingness daily! But I also see the faults, the immaturinty, the selfishness, the lost paths that some of them are following. And I too wonder...why? how? how long for? The fears that come with this stage are louder and stronger than any I can remember when they were young. 
It would be so easy for me to doubt myself. To doubt them. To blame myself. To act out of guilt rather than wisdom. Yet I choose not to. With the help of my incredible husband, who constantly reminds me to keep my perspective. What I know is that I have parented the best I could with the skills I have. I am constantly learning new skills and working towards becoming a better parent but I know that I am not responsible for the choices they make. I am not responsible to make their lives "comfortable". I am meant to be their mentor, their guide, their parent. And take care of myself in the meantime. Probably, being a role model in my life is the most powerful witness I can give my children. They are watching me, I know they are. They are watching how I deal with my stress, how I deal with my friendships, how Owen and I love each other and work out our differences. They watch how I deal with my illness.
So I think that is it. I think that for this stage of my parenting I need to be a great example and that means I need to get myself into the best shape of my life. Wow! This writing has helped me clarify that for me. i was feeling like I was rambling on at you but now suddenly! Clarity. That's it Suzy! I need to be an example. I need to be a leader that they can follow, when they choose to.That's it. Simple. Work on myself, show my work, be an example, love myself, love them. Trust that God is going to complete the good work he started in me and in them.
i dunno. i am going to ponder this for a bit. thanks for sharing yesterday. hopefully some of this made sense.
i am tempted to delete this.
i won't though.
not yet at least.

i think there might be a lesson here.


hey suzy,
i saw this last night and at first thought not much about it. but then as i continued to watch and listen i began to understand...i think there is a lesson here...let me know what you think?
i will do a real blog post tonight after work. love ya!

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Feb  27th  2011    Blog #?   Confessions and dreams of a middle age woman
Dear Tania
Today I learned another lesson about people… Accepting people for who they are and where they are at. The funny thing about it is that it seems easier to do with strangers than with our own family. Somehow the expectations are higher with our own flesh because… well … we expect that all the talking, loving, explaining, & growing would amount to something that is understandable. How can you love a kid so much and yet be cut to the quick by that same kid over something that seems so ridiculous.
              You know what I struggle with Tania.. I struggle with being hurt by someone I deeply love.. someone who I think should know me better because they’ve been with me since day one… and when they hurt me I want to just cut them out. Say “get lost” don’t come around me any more… the loss of them seems somehow easier to deal with then the hurt of disappointment  or rejection yet again.
              With people outside of the realm of family, it seems easier to accept and allow for differences because… well they are strangers or new friends… we haven’t grown up with them, or raised them… the expectations are lower… so it seems easier to understand and accept.

I thought being a mom was going to be ... well... easy. If I did all the right things I would have 3 healthy adjusted kids who would conquer the world because they had been raised well. I thought that raising kids with values was straight forward. I thought 2 + 2 would always equal 4. Yet somehow the more I pour myself out into the lives of my kids the more I feel that I am losing. Losing heart. Losing sanity. Losing the closeness that seemed so easy at 1 and 6 and 12. It seemed so easy when I was deciding I wanted a family. I wanted kids. I wanted to be a mom. I wanted to share all the love I felt inside. Now it seems so much harder and I wonder why I wanted to be a mother. It is a life of sacrifice met with ‘your not doing enough’… ‘I’m not happy because…and it ends with some kind of let down that I’m doing’...

Ok.. I know this is all negative. This is all the worst side of motherhood. It is not what I was going to write about… it is just me pouring out what I am feeling instead of crying… I know tomorrow is new day and I will feel better... it's just how I am seeing things today.



Saturday, February 26, 2011

Laughter is the best medicine...


February 26,2011
Dear Suzy,
your blog post made me laugh! I could see you there, trying to joke, trying to connect with the nurse, all hanging out everywhere....she missed out on a good Suzy laugh by being all grumpy with you. Laughing with you is like no other!
Glad to hear you are taking care of your health and getting all checked out. I am excited to hear about the weight watchers journey when that starts. They have an online program that looks pretty cool as well and is set up with recipies and everything. I remember Lisa and I did weight watchers together when she was getting ready for her surgery and it was a pretty positive experience...
So today is SAturday at our house and the end of a very long week. It isn't even that the week was particularly challenging. It just felt long. We are holding on pretty tight to each other these days as we navigate life. It is amazing how being concious daily of all that is good in our lives is helping us keep positive. EAch night Hannah and I keep a gratitude journal where we jot down all we are thankful for from that day. I did one last year as well, lasted from January to May and am hoping for a full year this time. That journal is helping alot to reframe each day before I go to sleep. Owen and I were talking last night about it, and while we both believe really strongly in acknowleging the bad days along with the good days, as a way of owning our emotions and working through them, when faced with chronic sickness, like I am right now, each day could easily become a bad day. So that is why it is so important to me to go to bed with each day being a good day. Because there truly is something miraculous about each day!
I love that!


I am working through a book called Life Is A Verb. It is great!

and I am also working through The Purpose Driven Life, again with a friend.
I love my books!
Today is a rest day for me. I am weary. My levels must be low. I am starting new medication, yet again, early this week as we continue to try to coax my colitis into remission. It loves me alot and does not want to leave, which is most unfortunate! This medicine takes 6 weeks or so to even start to work so it will be a bit of a long haul this time again. I am anticipating spring, my birthday, gardening, the one year anniversary of me being sick, and all the other significant events that come with the changing of seasons! I am craving a train ride, walks on the beach, lazy days in the backyard surrounded by friends and candles, and of course, a deepening sense of who I am meant to be.
I love ya beautiful lady!
Tania

Friday, February 25, 2011

Feb  25th  2011    Blog #?   Confessions and dreams of a middle age woman

Dear Tania
            So how do I begin? Let me give  you a clue …    

 





Any ideas?    Ok.. let me add another picture..


 
Perhaps this will help.   I’m sure that you have got it now… Yes. Today was my first Mam-Oh-gram…

And I write it like that because you know… after having your boobs pressed in a machine … they will be the size of a gram… or so you think. In the most uncomfortable position I have yet to be in, in my life.. I thought naturally that the best way to handle being completely naked in front of another lady (who by the way has the added bonus of lifting and pulling it into the contortion she needs…) was humor. So said to her… “what makes you think this machine was invented by a man…?” surely worth a snicker.. perhaps a smile at least.. instead I got a look that said “NOT FUNNY” I tried again with another comment but that one was met with “No MoRe PLEaSe!”  OK.. so humor doesn’t work.. perhaps I should just go with it.. Rather than trying to hold up and cover the few inches I can, perhaps I should just ‘let it all hang out’ and be as relaxed as possible’. That didn’t go over well either.. I was told to move into the corner...
     So there I stood letting everything my mother gave me just hang around, being pulled and then told “don’t breath”.. as my body was contorted around sharp pieces of metal. Great if you are 90 Lbs.. second thought.. fat might help the sharp edges… Any way you slice it, some DaM SMarT WoMan better come up with a better way of examining Breasts! I mean really?… Could you imagine a man undressing and another man saying "sir can you please stand here while I lift your manliness on the plate where I will add a lot of pressure and don’t breath! “Whats that, your balls feel like grapes about to juice? Don’t worry, it will be over soon!

There has got to be a better way! Stand Up Women and Speak Out!

This is my blog for today… by the way… had yours yet?

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Feb  23rd   2011    Blog #?   Confessions and dreams of a middle age woman

Dear Tania
                 
What a great thought your artist friend has written. I have been thinking about that a lot lately as I spend some days at home, some searching for another job, and some volunteering! And can I just say that working with little is kids is so cool! They are like "I love you Mrs Cleaver, Your're the best Art Teacher ever.. .. but I'm helping with grade ones also and they are so cute! Give me hugs, share their germs but man oh man... I get home and I'm exhausted!! Truly! 1 day of work/calling with the little cuties is equal to about 3 with the beasts in high school..lol... how are you doing it Tania? I can only imagine your day! Lots of love and lots of "Tania naps"!  

     But seriously, I miss the calling. I miss the kids. I really appreciate more and more what a priveldge it is to work with kids.

        and i agree... it is a calling. At least it is for most of us I believe. who else would do the wack job for the ridiculous pay we get? at least those of us in christian schools..lol

ok. on to another topic. I have gotten a physical (i think i told you that) have high blood pressure. never had it before and now it is super high. i have to monitor it daily for 1 month and then my dr. is going to put me on meds. also, i have high cholestral. no surprise there. runs in my family. had it since like 18. started on lipitor again. decided that when i get a job i'm joining weight watchers. also, my sister and i met last week to start planning our business. we are going to do it. we designed a ad sign, did some work and divided up some research to get started on. I need to make some phone calls tomorrow about it. moving along... the family is pretty god. elijah seems to be doing better. he is my biggest concern. hannah and barry are doing well and sorting things out between them. she reminds me so much of myself when i was her age. funny because abby reminds me of myself right now... funny how that goes. there is no greater calling then our kids. no greater love then what we feel for them. no greater ssacrifice we would make, then for them. can i just say that you you are a great mom. you care so much and try so hard. you love and yet you try to see things honestly. thats a great gift to your kids tania. one day they will really realise how blessed they have been.

ok... i'm going to sign off. it has been super busy and crazy this week and i hope things slow down just a tad. Hang in there! love & hugs

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

vocation versus job?

February 22, 2011
Dear Suzy,
Welcome back to the land of the living!
I love that you were so moved by the art that you shed tears. That my dear lady is something we share...being moved to tears by the wonder and beatuy that surrounds us...sometimes, I look out in my back yard and hear and see the birds and I cry...because I feel so blessed.

So here at my end, I became a little overwhelmed by the emotional soul searching that was going on. I took a wee break and moved onto other things, like trying to sort out the differences between spirituality and religion, the difference between vocations and jobs and how to keep the peace in a house full of strong personalities...you know, just light easy topics to be working through...ugh...

Here is a little article that I read by a woman, who is an artist whom I admire. I thought I would share it with you because I know that work is something that is on your mind these days and is a topic you have referenced a few times in your blog posts...

A little article on Work

We are what we do, and the more we do it, the more we become it.  By giving a job your time, you are giving it your consciousness.  Eventually it will fill your life with the reality that it presents.  So look beyond the superficial attractions of a particular job or profession.  Consider what it will require you to do on a day-to-day, hour-to-hour, minute-to-minute basis.  See if that is how you want to spend your time.  If it is not, your job will become your prison rather than the vehicle for your dreams.  And a person without dreams is only half alive.

You should think of work as vocation, which comes from the Latin word for calling, which comes from the word for voice.  In those meanings it touches on what work really should be - something that calls to you, that gives voice to who you are and what you want to say in the world.  If you find a vocation, embrace it.  You have found a way to contribute to the world with love.

Find what it is that burns in your heart and do it.  Choose a vocation, not a job, and your life will have meaning and your days will have peace.


Love ya,
Tania
ps...so glad to be blogging again. i have missed you!

Monday, February 21, 2011

Feb  21st  2011    Blog #?   Confessions and dreams of a middle age woman
Dear Tania
                 
It’s been a while since I blogged. Being sick was horrible! My thoughts and respect go out to anyone struggling with health issues and still has keep moving forward! WOW!
A revelation I got in the middle of my 3 day fever was how in my last blog I was talking about how I love to be activate and possibly boasting of rolling that way! Lol… And then rolled right into bed and could do nothing! Grace of God that we ‘roll’ at all J lol…

This is the Munch I saw! It was a an experience I shall treasure~!
Anyways, on another note. Today in Alberta we had a holiday called ‘Family Day’! What a cool idea. The Alberta Art Gallery was open free of charge so our family went. Guess what I saw…? Go ahead… guess…  7… SEVEN of my favorite artists! I saw a real, original, artwork from MUNCH, KANDINSKY, PICASSO, TOULOUSE LE TRAC, RODIN, GAUGAIN, & Brian Jungen!! Talk about a GREAT day!! I actually jumped up and down to see my first Munch! I was so excited and could not believe that I was looking at something he held in his hands and worked on. When I founf Rick and told him I started to cry because I was so awed to see ‘their’ work! It was amazing. I went in the room to look again before we left. And to see Jungen’s whales again was incredible.

This is what I saw today! Beautiful... I love his Art!

Then going outside there were family activities which included working with cardboard… and they had industrial cardboard tubes… great for my Phantom of the Opera Organ I’m building. So all in all, today was a fantabulous day.
I am blessed! Also tired… and my lip is hurting… gonna go try the ‘after shave’ remedy people are telling me about. I will share more about how our store is coming along...
Glad to be back Tania. Missed our blog. Have a good night ;)

Thursday, February 17, 2011

missing this....

i am sad that you are sick
lonely to hear your thoughts
grateful for medication
impressed that you are resting
missing our daily chats
welcoming all that is happening
knowing that growth
comes with struggles
wondering how long it will be
before we can sit down and have a cup of tea
pleased with my latest art
praying for your family and mine
and our friends
and their journeys
thinking it must be a house full of laughter
with cassy there
tickled pink that i mailed letters today
and
allowed people to care for me
aching for my son
trusting
wishing you a night of peaceful sleep!

Monday, February 14, 2011

Happy Love Day Suzy...


i know it's your turn
i just wanted to send you some love
on this day!

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Things i want to remember..saturday edition

Dear Suzy,
 My list of things I want to remember this week, Saturday edition looks like this;
  1. Rain is important...it doesn't feel important right now, it feels like a monsoon but it will allow me to water my veggies and flowers all summer...rain is good.
  2. Heros are important...this quote sums up my current feelings about heros ...  "a hero is someone who understands the responsibility that comes with his freedom."
  3. My feelings about my children can shift from glorious adoration to extremed frustration very, very quickly...thankfully, i always love them
  4. Two and Three year olds are very challenging. They are lovely and gifts and adorable but they are very, very challenging!
  5. Date night is important...it can make a long week seem shorter while anticipating such date night..ours is starting in about 10 minutes:)

6. Having too many books on the go at once can get confusing...3 is okay...5 is too many:)
7. Being upfront and honest leads to alot of laughter when trying on clothes with a teenage girl...
8. Being upfront and honest leads to alot of tears when trying on clothes with a teenage girl.
9. My medication can MESS ME UP! However, it is a great discipline in my life to learn to not let my     medication mess up my relationships with those around me...it is not an excuse to let my emotions spill all over the place...
10. I love my life. my life is amazing and blessed and i am grateful every single day!


Friday, February 11, 2011

Feb  11th 2011      
Blog #14   Confessions and dreams of a middle age woman
Dear Tania
                  Well as you can see by the enourmous picture here,  my mind is filled with the Phantom of the Opera! this is the chandlier that I need to reproduce... it has to float up in the opening scene and then crash at the end of Act 1. Of course when it crashes it can't kill anyone and must be reuseable for the next performance! So my mind is preoccupied. Tomorrow I need to have everything ready for Sundays Valentines Desert Social at the Church! I need to bake.. or rather Abby needs to bake..lol...  In any case my mind is full of lots of things I need to accomplish today and tomorrow. And I like that it that way. Some say they would hate all the stress and pressure... but I'm weird! I love the fullness of acitivity and creativity and it's when I have nothing of real importance on my plate (there is always dishes and cleaning) that I fall apart! I mean it. I come unglued! I lose any sense of direction and fall apart. This is what I have observed with the gentle loving help of my husband who says to me "unless your plate is full to overflowing, your not happy!"  Ok... what does that make me Tania? A work -aholic? Maybe? 2 days ago i went with Hannah on the city bus to figure out her route into work (new job) .. we had to wait for the bus to come in. I was searching for a pen so i could list some things while I waited.. she laughed and asked me why I couldn't just sit. Sure I can... but while I'm sitting I want to be productive. "Just sit".... I tried... it last 45 seconds and then I was pacing. Sit and do nothing? Thats against some kind of inner moral fiber I have. It must be the German blood coursing through my veins.. lol...   Anyways, I need to be productive and going 100 miles an hour or I feel no inner peace. I can't explain it better than that. I do rest... on a holiday because it's ok to rest on a holiday..expected... but even then, truth be told.. I will be bored out of my mind if I'm expected to sun bath or sit and veg! I take puzzles to the cottage because I can't just do nothing!
And you know what? I'm ok with it! I am! I feel 'right' living this way, like another feels right just 'sitting'.  We are all different...
             ..... lol... and I thought I was gonna tell you i had writers block! Ha ha...

Thursday, February 10, 2011

split wide open...


dear suzy,
today i was
split right open...
and spilled out
gorgeous emotions mixed
together
with not so pretty...
swirling and churning
madly resonating through me
battling it out so to speak
looking for a voice
i furiously
wrote and scribbled and colored
honouring the feelings
and protecting others from them...
until
the fears were soothed
and reasoned with
and put to rest...
our turmoil
holds beauty
and gifts
and
what i learned today
could.very.well.change.my.life.
i love you,
tania

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Feb  9th   2011             Blog #13   Confessions and dreams of a middle age woman
Dear Tania
                  Today is more like a letter to you…       I love your quote! I am going to borrow that one! In my dinning room I want to do a text art on one of the walls. I think I would like to stencil that on a wall also. I have always wanted to put scripture or inspiring words up on my walls but have never done it yet. I keep waiting for my own house but they may never come… lol… so perhaps it will be this house! I may need them here..lol…  so.. all that to say, thanks. Your words have once again inspired me. How is everyone doing? I often think of Gideon and Hannah because of course I spent the most time with them. Give Gid a little poke tonight and tell him it’s from me..  this way the game continues and I’m in the lead! hahah
                  Well I had a depressing day this week because I let the one guy who does all the hiring for my school district get me down. He told me in no uncertain terms that he will not hire me. It took the wind out of my sails because I was counting on working a good $ job and slowly develop a business on side with my sister.  In talking with a friend last night she suggested I develop an art program that I take to the schools to do art in schools as like a business. Not a bad idea but I’m not sure how steady it would be but it is something for me to think about. I also think I am going to go to the University and talk with them about my masters. I have no idea if that is a door to open at this time but it won’t hurt to snoop around.  This whole being unemployed with time and trying to get back on your feet is very challenging for me because I am sucj a goal driven person. I see the prize/goal and I run hard right for it. Each day right now I ake up with a different idea about what possibly could be my goal and then try to plan my day… errrr. Unemployment is only going to last so long so I really need to get my act together. As if I’m not trying already! Haha
                  On a completely different topic -> I am doing the props for a play at Abby’s school. Not just any play, but The Phantom of the Opera! How cool is that. So I am swamped with goals for the next two months that have to do with PROPS! Enjoyable fun things to occupy my time.
                  Ok Tania, this is what I’m thinking about today. I need to get things cleaned up as Miss Abby has left me note reminding me that Cassy comes tomorrow morning! So excited to see her. I miss her so much. Need to get her room ready.
Ok ~ love and blessings to your clan.
Suzy

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Quote of the day...

Dear Suzy,

Today I have writers block. All day I have been thinking about you and your family and your amazingness. I have had you in my thoughts and heart all day long yet, I haven't a clue as to what to blog about to you . Not a clue. There are several streams of thought running through my mind these days...my journal pages are filling up rapidly...my questions are big and unanswered as of yet...but none of that is formulating into words today.
so, instead, i am leaving you with a quote that is taped up in front of our computer...

"Only speak words that make souls stronger"

I read it often during my day...and am striving to absorb it into my daily life.
Hope you had a great day!

Tania

Monday, February 7, 2011

Feb  7th   2011                              Blog #13   Confessions and dreams of a middle age woman
Dear Tania

  Forgive my indulgence today but I need to write my blog for my daughter Abby. She gave me a journal for Christmas and asked me to write to her in it. Sounds wonderful right! However being the non-writer that I am, this is a very hard feat to ask. Perhaps that is why she asked… I think she is thinking that when I am gone she will be able to look back on my words. A wonderful thought… but oh so not me…lol… make a meal, let her friend live with us, paint her a picture, make her some pottery, drive her, pick her up, fight an army for her… any of these I can do! But write everyday seems such a monstrous task. So, not wanting to completely avoid her request, I have decided that I am going to write to her today. I plan on printing out this blog once we are done our year, and give her that! So today is dedicated to Miss Abigail!
                  Oh what a mother dreams for her child...  Is it possible to gather all the thoughts one has for their daughter and put them all together, in one itty bitty page? I think not. Abby if you were to go to your favorite beach and scoop up a handful of sand, that would be like my thoughts for you. Each little particle would represent my thoughts of love towards you.

          I love your tenacity! Your fighter instinct… to grab on to life and not let go. I love your passion and your determination when you set your mind on something. You have a beautiful compassionate heart. You earnestly seek to please the Lord in your actions & lifestyle which is so commendable especially for a teenager.

          My hopes for you are that above all, you will be true to the calling in your heart… God has placed within you wonderful plans and all the gifts and talents you will need to fulfill those plans. What you lack or struggle with, he will give to you through someone else. His greatest gift to me has been the gift of others who have poured their life into mine! Be open to receive all that He has for you.
Another hope I have for you is not to doubt who you are and what you can do. Don’t take yourself out of the race before it has even begun. “Be of good courage”! Believe that with God, ALL things are possible to them who BELIEVE! Remember that home IS where your heart and family are! It is not a location but a place of contentment with those whom you love. Take time to enjoy life. Play, laugh, smile, make things and do things that bring joy to your heart and to others hearts. Work is wonderful and fulfilling but it is not everything. Love is everything! Love covers a multitude of sins. Love forgives and love inspires! Be great not because of what you do but because of who you are! Character always counts more than accomplishments. Character is the accomplishment. Remember that beauty comes from your spirit. You are only as beautiful as the most spiritual part of you. It is wonderful to look good and feel good, and take care of yourself for sure! But wisdom gained will help you far greater than looks. Finally, keep cooking J It is a gift in our family that has been passed down for generations. Through the gift of your hands you will be able to create memories and moments for all the years you have. Family and friends and even the stranger, will be blessed by the food and hospitality that God has gifted you with. Isn’t it wonderful that the Abigail in the Bible was known to be as wise as she was beautiful, and was loved by the King for her hospitality and wisdom. Forget the lousy husband part. In those days women had no choice who they could marry, but let it serve as a warning to be careful who to give your heart to. May only the one God has chosen for you, find a home within.
These are my deepest thoughts and prayers for you Abigail! I love you so much and I’m so proud of you already!



With all my love, mom J

Sunday, February 6, 2011

the view from here.

this is the view out of the car window today.
it's a gray, heavy, dark afternoon
the house is quiet....gideon and i are home.
and he doesn't talk alot.
i don't talk alot either these days.
i am trying harder to listen. to hear, not only the voices of those close to me,
but also the voices that i have silenced for a while.
the kind loving voices. the ones that build me up and remind me
of who i am. of where my value comes from. of my worth.
the voice that speak truth.
sometimes, i think we surround ourselves with so much noise, so many
voices, that we drown out the ones that only speak up when we stop to listen.
the house is quiet today so i can stop and listen
it isn't easy though. the loud, insistent voices that are well practiced at speaking
take up room in my heart and head quickly.
about silly things...meaningless jabs...seemingly unimportant comments
such as,
"wow! that quality paint is really expensive. you don't want to waste money on that, your art isn't that important, just keep using the dollar store brand."
seriously,
not life changing,
but also,
not words that build me up, edify me, remind me of my worth, my truth.
the truth of the situation is this.
i am worth investing in.
i am worth working on.
i am worth a $12 tube of paint
or the voices might remind me,
you should be doing this...you must be doing that...why aren't you being more this? there is so much to do!
and sometimes this is true.
that is where the balance comes in.
today, the shoulds and musts and mores
are not necessary.
it is a day of rest, of connection,of worship, of renewal, of fellowship
but that isn't what i am hearing.

i wonder what stops us from listening to the real voice.
what stands between us and the promises given to us?
and why do we continue to turn an ear to the
words that we are not meant to listen to.
i think we need to help each other.
remind each other of what is good and true.
i need to say to those around me
you are amazing! because really who isn't?
   you are a blessing! because really who isn't?
there is always a gift to find.
i think we need to stand up to the voices that want to
drown out the truth and say,
no. no. no.
please stop talking to me now.
i am listening elsewhere.
don't interupt!
most likely i will have to be firm about this at first.
put on my don't mess with tania voice,
(i am told i have one and it is very effective!)
and put those damaging,negative, doubting voices
out.
i am sending them out.
and replacing them with
the positive, trusting, loving voices instead.
that is my goal this week.
i will let you know how it goes.
the view from here
is always changing.
wishing for sun tomorrow.
                                    




Saturday, February 5, 2011

Feb  5th   2011                               Blog #13   Confessions and dreams of a middle age woman

Dear Tania
                  Today I have decided that my blog is going to be about all the things I love… in no particular order
                                                                                                                 My family
Art                     Theater
   People            Granville Island         riding horses
Puppies             Ice cream – Chocolate of course
   Lighthouse Christian Academy   Church                            Teaching
   Worship & dancing
                                        Schnitzel                     Sweaters                    snow
My mothers soup and when she makes me my birthday cake
Memories of days gone by
 The black Forest – Restaurant in Hamilton
                    Mentors in my life!     Tea Cups
    God’s Grace  DC Talk, 3rd Day, Switchfoot & Jan Arden

The creek down the road in Muir… my happy spot I go to
                 Willow Trees
     Blue Herons & Giraffes… oh and Penguins!
The ever growing amount of old & new friends I have been blessed to know
A good movie
                Fall… when leaves fall off the trees in vivid colours
Music                  Directing Plays… especially with my family & friends

Friday, February 4, 2011

important right now.

February 4, 2o11
Dear Suzy,
i have decided when i blog on friday i am going to summarize what is important right now to me...that way there will be a remembering. sometimes, life gets so busy i forget the lessons that i am learning each and every day. i am going to call it "important right now". maybe on your fridays you would like to do the same?

encouragement is easy- speak it often
Carter's fierce neck hugs of love rock! Don't tell me autism and love can't go together!
Chocolate can help. even for breakfast. with tea
fear gets in the way SO often
reading is life changing
i want to learn to write more beautifully (and stop using mixed metaphores like seed and neon sign)
i want to understand colour more fully
i want to plant my veggies NOW but must be patient
asking hard questions is OK
what i am doing matters
Honouring feelings is a step in the right direction
God has enormous shoulders and nothing is too big!
Taking care of myself allows me to take care of others. NOT the other way around
dinner out is good. so good.
(especially if you are eating tapas with your favorite person.)

have an amazing weekend Suzy.
 i love you.
tania
ps...you are remarkable to me!